1. ‘Red light, green light, yellow light’
When Jamaican reggae artist Eric Donaldson
composed Traffic Jam, he might as well have
been referring to Nairobi on Saturday
mornings-when driving is a nightmare, worse
still at the end month when rusty jalopies get a
road test. While traffic jams on Monday to
Friday are tolerable, the Saturday morning jams
and Sunday night ones are inexplicable and
insufferable.
2. Panhandlers galore
A decade ago, street children were chased from
the streets and forced to benefit from the Free
Primary School Education initiative in 2003.
There was some relief, but alas! they have
sneaked back, and we are all now either their
‘aunt’ or ‘uncle’ who should dish out money. It
is worse if you are well dressed. Or tall like the
biblical Cain. While it is humane to be charitable
to the less fortunate, when it becomes a lifestyle
for lazy adults misusing toddlers, someone
should rein in and get rid of not just the
begging children, but street families as well.
3. The noisy shoe-selling shops
We woke one day and bang! every shop along
Ronald Ngala Street was sellingshoes with the
help of public address systems to help excite
customers. Walking down Ronald Ngala is a
‘daymare’(sic) with every single stall being
converted into a shoe-selling shop. They are
unregulated and their noise pollution is
something that should concern NEMA, if they
cared about our eardrums and general health so
much.
4. Washrooms that need washing
Very few restaurants pay attention to the little
room by the corner or down the corridor. It is
worse if you are a lady. Washrooms are mostly
filthy and nauseatingly stinky.
Many restaurants East of Moi Avenue are the
biggest culprits. What with toilets without water
and don’t mind saving on air freshener? They
often go for the naphthalene balls that are so
1975. The toilet bowl and the cistern have what
seems to resemble pre-independence rust!
5. Unpredictable bus fares
The way bus fares are determined is a frequent
reminder that we are not as civilised as we
thought given the conductor’s whim is king
especially at the slightest whiff of rain. One trick
is creating scarcity by artificially ‘holding’
matatus so that the queues are longer than
commuter’s patience. And when the makanga
shouts ‘Sh150’ passengers have little choice but
to fork out three times the normal fare. This
makes moving around Nairobi an unpredictable
experience subject to the weather, traffic police
harassment, and choice of matatu. Just why
those going to Eastlands are ever in shouting
matches with the touts! The middle class hoods
of South C, Lang’ata and Kileleshwa are the
most exploited as few can raise a voice for a
measly Sh20 overcharge.
6. Being dropped before your ‘stage’…
Forget the part of being dropped that rankles us
and consider the cavalier attitude of the matatu
crew in which there ought to be mandatory
courtesy classes for these ruffians in maroon
and blue uniform.
7. Dumpsite city in the sun
We don’t know what will come first: Arsenal
wining the Barclays Premier League, Jesus
coming back or the County Council of Nairobi
getting its act together on matters dumping.
Most residents in Nairobi pay garbage collectors
who supply black or yellow polythene bags only
for the garbage to end on some footpath, behind
their flat. Even at the back streets in the city
centre, most shops are no better. The Kanjo
should bring back the kamero trucks that
collected garbage in Nairobi estates most
Saturdays.
8. Praise and worship in the hood
Evangelical ‘prosperity’ gospel churches with
overzealous preachers and the praise and
worship are likely to interrupt your Sunday
morning snooze in the most annoying way. If
there was an overnight Kesha, woe unto you.
The speakers are placed outside the tiny shanties
that pass up for the church and they hope their
message will reach as many city sinners as
possible. It serves to annoy than to attract the
Godless to salvage their wayward ways. What
happened to the noise pollution edict?
9. Earsplitting music in matatus (for old geezers)
There is a certain age when the fifth floor
appears like it’s ten kilometres away, while
deafening Ragga and Hip-hop music becomes
intolerable, like terror attacks.
Many adults are often assaulted as they are
forced to listen to Tupac Shakur at his most
virulent or those Jamaican ‘Riddims’ that are
being churned at an amazing rate making life in
the traffic jam a living, slow but moving misery.
You cannot complain since the refrain has
always been, if it is too loud, then you are too
old, besides being advised: “nunua gari yako!”
Alongside loud music with the Dj shouting
‘burugutuu!’ whatever that means, are those
matatus that knob up the radio presenter
discussing bedroom matters in the morning!
10. Crying in the rain
If Nairobians were to make a wish, probably it
would be for God to stop the rains from ever
dropping in their city. Nothing exposes our
collective vulnerability than sudden showers.
The traffic is instant like coffee. Bus fares
artificially go skyward. The drainage system is a
mess. Power blackouts follow. Satellite TV is a
blur of rice… and there are queues everywhere!
– The Nairobian
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