GOSSIP

TRIBULATIONS OF MY  UFISI

Dating from the early days, whenever satan wants to destroy you, he mainly uses fobe or a woman (mainly a buriful yellow yellow with neck of machete). Now, a few weeks ago, I moved to a new place. One of the first things to notice in the new place was that all my neighbours were family people with many kids around, which also meant one thing; many mboches. Fisiology always encourages one to stay away from mboches, and so I did just that. On my first weekend there, I had all my clothes washed, but then the rains poured before I got home, and I had to iron-dry a shirt to wear for the following day. The following day something similar happened, and in the midst of me blaming global warming and climate change for unexpected rains, someone somewhere was seeing my struggles. The following day when coming from kibarua in the evening, I did not find the clothes on the line. I could not go knocking at every house, and so I went to my house and waited for whoever had picked them to come notify me. After some minutes, I heard a gentle knock on my door. I opened, and a very shy girl, looking about twedi years, told me that she had picked the clothes from my line, and asked me to go for them. By the time she finished saying this, she had drawn an imaginary map of Africa with her foot, indicating all the countries and the major cities. She was the mboch of the house next to mine, and I really appreciated her kind gesture as I picked my clothes. That was day one. The following day while I was going to kibarua early in the morning, we met as she was backing home after escorting the kids to school, and I smiled and innocently said Hi. That evening, I passed through Wakihara special vodka joint and swallowed two mugs before heading home. Wakihara special serves you good in the cold weather by giving you warmth, and when I take it and go to the house, I remove all clothes except holder of kababa and balls, and then sit and place my legs on the table to watch the day’s happenings. My doctor advised me to be doing this to help cool the system, especially because I stay for long without changing engine oil. So while I was sited there, I heard a gentle knock similar to what I had heard the previous day. I rushed to the bedroom and dressed, and opened the door. There she was again. By the time I opened the door, she had already drawn the East African map and was now starting on Central Africa when I asked “sasa?”..in a very gentle and unharmful voice. She said “poa..uko na charger ya tecno?”. I showed her the charger I had and asked “kama hii?”.. Without looking much at it, she grabbed it and said “yea..nitakuletea nikicharge.” I thought very quickly and told her “apana, naeza chukua tu kesho”…I did not want her to disrupt me from my aeration session again. Now due to the many phones I have unwillingly donated to rice putters and thugs before, I have many chargers in my house. So I did not bother to go ask for mine from the mboch the following day. Again, I had seen the man of that house that morning, and from his size, he looks like he can fight a charged bull which has been forcefully removed from climbing a cow. So i did not want to go knock at that door, even in the spirit of Nyumba Kumi. She also did not bring the charger back. A few days passed, and I noticed that even the veranda outside my house was always clean, whereby she used to clean it together with theirs. I blessed her from my heart and said she will be one of the few people who will see heaven with both eyes, while others will just be hearing of it from stories of giant being given by satan in hell. After some few days without seeing each other, one evening I heard the usual soft ko-ko-ko on my door. I went for the door and she this time looked at me and said, “haki ile charger iliharibika, uko na ingine unisaidie?”. I asked “imeharibika wapi?”.. “Aki ata sijui, but haicharge.” I told her to bring it so that I can have a look, and she went, though neck aside (shingo upande). When I connected it, it worked. She acted surprised, and blamed the power connection, kplc, the weather and other factors as to why it wasn’t working in their house. Now due to my experience in Fisiology, I studied her Fisically and knew this was not all about the charger, but I gave her another one anyway. By this time she was sitting at the edge of the seat, and she was still repeating the statement, “aki sijui mbona haiwork huko kwetu,,ama ni simu yangu?”. Now because I did not want her to overstay there and arouse suspicion from the bull-fighter, I told her that tecno phones sometimes usually catch satans and refuse to charge, but I assured her that that one will work. While at the door, she giggled and asked a rhetoric question ati “haiya na hii pia ikikataa?”..then walked quickly back to their house. While she was walking out, satan made sure I saw that she had good sudus, but the angel in me reminded me that am short sighted, and that what I saw was just an optical photosynthesis. Over that weekend, she came and asked if I had any good movie because she was quite bored. I gave her like 10 movies to go sample, but she said in the midst of a giggle,,”ah acha tu nizichagulie hapa niende na mbili”..So she sampled all the ten and was torn between four for a long time, before finally settling on two. That was a confused 30 minutes for me, where I pretended to be very busy on the phone, while I was just flipping through whatsapp profile pictures and seeing how my exes have gone on to be successful without me, all posing with happy families while i was here confused not knowing what to say to this soul. While sampling through the movies, she would ask questions from the movie like, "haki nini ilifanyika after wamemuua?".. and i would just respond in a distracted way and say, "walimzika"..After she was through, she thanked me and again, as she was walking out, satan told me that ‘looking is not borrowing’, and I indeed looked and confirmed that she had good sudus, and nyonyos were standing like a flag in the wind. He also told me that all that glitters may not be gold, but that gold glitters anyway. But the angel in me reminded me of the bull-fighter and I threw any evil thoughts outside the window. 
After my clothes were washed that weekend, she picked them despite me being around and brought them with a young fisilets line ati “ah nilikuwa naanua zangu nikaona tu nikuchukulie zako pia.” When she brought them, I was watching Shashill show, and that kale babe of mine called Chemutai was the one on stage. So the mboch was like, “haki huyu dame hunibamba”,,and then sat allilobit to watch until babe Chemutai finished. After her was another one she claimed to like, and another one…Alitolewa hapo na news.
Now this has become the daily trend my people, and even the bull fighter is starting to look at me suspiciously like am a terrorist. Ama I say bad is bad and throw one grenade and deal with consequenses?. Mafisi are calling it 'Tenda unyama nenda zako', a remix of that Christina Shusho song. But maybe satan either wants me to get punched by the bull-fighter or wants me to see canaan and then in the heat of it come and burst makobosto and put me into further trouble, or maybe he has worse plans for me. 
But you see, sometimes I understand this persons because enyewe she has never seen any other persons entering my house and maybe she thinks am a lonely bugger who needs company. I think I should hire one ki-persons who has sharp eyes and big lips to just come around and look at her badly, raising lips in the air like a persons spoiling for a fight, and then maybe she will get scared of coming there again..otherwise, mimi hapa sioni nikijitoa kwanza na hii baridi. In Greek we say there is no canaan that is fried, boilo or tumbukiza. K is constant no matter the owner. Am still debating with my conscience.